It’s..

4 hours of sleep everynight. paychecks going straight to CCs to get credit. hoping to be paying people one day instead of being paid. its learning to do something myself instead of asking. always taking a chance but knowing the consequence of failure. always keeping my guard up. never sweating the small stuff. hiding my weakness. not selling out but not trying to struggle. fuck pills, i'll write away my problems. being the dopest fucking rapper in the room and the most humble. taking care of the only family i have. make believe i die at 30 so everyday day is valuable beyond belief. would win the lotto and still buy a house in my hood. chasing girls who are damaged and ignoring the girls that everyone sweats when they try to holler. staying focused even with double vision. knowing what a friend is by how much they give and take. knowing actions speak louder than words. never thinking twice because i trust my judgment. would kill a man to be 17 again. think with my dick way more than my brain and heart combined. only opening up when it's too late. selfish because everything growing up was taken by someone else who was. probably will never have kids. knowing marriage means forever. knowing forever doesn't exist. getting my hand shooken by cats who talk the most shit. know i rather be broke but do what i love. knowing what i love is fading away. will only speak a persons name if im talking them to directly. not burning out my tires to impress people who will not replace them. knowing what i'm capable of if i minimize this dead weight. having no company than bad company. knowing i'm lucky but choose not to gamble. looking back more than i look forward. never ever being in the moment because i'm thinking about tomorrow. needing two of me. not wasting time. not giving up. admitting to regrets. not making the same mistake. never forcing. not being drawn, but drawing. alot of people i feel i'll have to leave one day soon. being my own worst critic. never satisfied. constantly fixing things that aren't broke. will look at flaws before the beauty. always think worst case situation. its one person who knows all this already and walks away. its me chasing until it becomes a ghost. i will constantly destroy and rebuild and make it better everyfuckingtime. thats what defies me.

R